The Vortex of Fear in Cancer

A Real and Raw Reflection

When people ask what the hardest part of cancer is, they expect me to talk about chemo, or fatigue, or hair loss.

But for me? It’s the fear.

Not just fear—but the vortex of fear.

It pulls you in, slowly at first. A scan here. A phone call there. And before you know it, you’re spiralling.

That Friday morning, when the doctor rang and said, “Your blood results are off. Really off,” I crumbled. That was the start of the vortex in 2023.

I couldn’t eat, sleep, or speak. The ‘what-ifs’ had me good and proper.

Fear in cancer isn’t just about mortality. It’s about uncertainty.

About losing control of your future, your body, your plans.

And the hardest part? You can’t fix it with logic. Trust me, I tried.

What helped was naming it. Owning it.

Saying out loud, “I’m scared.” Giving it space instead of pushing it away.

The vortex only tightened when I resisted it.

But when I sat in it - prayed, cried, stared at the trees - something shifted.

That’s when serenity slowly started to seep in.

Not to remove the fear, but to hold me when I needed it.

You don’t fight a vortex by thrashing. You float. You breathe. You trust the water will still.

If you’re there now, in that swirling place - know this: it won’t last forever.

You are not broken. You are not alone.

The fear is real. But so is your strength.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer, penned almost 100 years ago by the guys at AA nailed it.

It has held me when everything else failed, and just so you know, swap out the word god to whatever you believe in...the universe, source, spirit or Dennis...you choose, it’s your serenity.

I like to think of it like google maps, you get out your phone, open maps and set the destination to your healing self, it calibrates and there you have it, a lovely line to follow showing you where to go.

And as you go along, you suddenly have a sharp left turn, totally unexpected and not what you wanted.

That blue line on your google map heading to the destination of your healing self, recalibrates, finds a new way and boom, off you go.

Am I there yet, nope, still getting those left turns, but know I am on a path that feels right for me.

Does it mean no tears, no sadness, grief or frustration?

Oh no, there are still days and nights with those...its normal right.

The serenity project isn’t about rainbows and lollipops or being a Pollyanna, it’s about knowing, no matter what...there is a way to feel the best you can feel inside, just like getting out your phone, opening maps and let that good old blue line get you there.

The great thing about finding serenity, is that every google map is different, the way to get to your destination is different to mine.